My Girl
i could feel the center of her crumbling;
that place that held warmth
and her laughter.
she no longer moved with a girlish and carefree spirit,
she clenched her teeth against the tears
and she began slipping away from me.
i could not find my girl
in the angst enveloping us now.
i have carried her so far.
through seasons,
over so much ground,
i knew how to follow where she leads
but i did not know how to carry her back to before.
so i did my best to follow.
maybe if i could hold some of the new pain,
she would stay close to me.
now the blood in me moves too quickly
and pounds in my ears.
i can hardly stand the wait for her,
but the in-between is stretching longer.
there are so many days she never comes at all
and the center of me is crumbling.
so i clench my jaw against the emptiness
and i slip away too.
A little context for this poem: it's about a horse. A very special horse. A horse that is the newest addition to my little family. I am not the girl he is referring to, but I'll start at the beginning of the story...
Z was 3 when he was brought home as the first horse for a girl named M. They learned everything together and were inseperable. Z was M's whole world and she was the center of his universe. And together they grew up.
Then, M's parents went through a horrible, public, humiliating, and vicious divorce. As M's world began to crumble, she changed. Suddenly she was angsty and angry and Z took the brunt of the change-he had lost his girl. So Z began to change too. He became difficult to be around and ride, and he spent his spare time cribbing.
But things were going to get worse. Z could not take any of the pain or hurt away for M and so she fell into other things. She stopped coming to the barn. Z spent his days being sullen, detached and focused on the rush of oxygen that made him feel 'high'. He sat alone in the pasture because no one but M could catch him.
Fast forward almost two years...
I fell in love with him the moment I saw him. He's distinct, beautiful, and athletic. And M refused to let me near him. In her still out of control world-he was still under her control and while she did not want him she would not give it up the little bit of power she still had. But eventually, a transition to college led to a 'For Sale' sign over Z's head.
What options did Z have? Untouched and difficult he would not find a good buyer easily. Most likely an auction to pay the debt and then a rough cowboy who liked his paint color and would fight him until he gave in.
I could not bear the thought, so I stepped up. I payed far too much money to buy a horse who may or may not be catchable or ridable they said. 'He's a jerk, he'll never change'. But now Z has me and I refuse to believe a word they say.
this is a great tale. one of an open heart looking to love....
ReplyDelete