Broken Girl

you thought i was pretty.
and i needed your smile
and gentleness.

i've watched you love me
unconditionally.
desperately wanting to do the same.

i'm not sure i  can let you go.
but you can't hold me forever.
it's better this way.

your arms held me together,
and your hands held back my hair.
that's what you get for loving a broken girl.

what did you expect?
baby,
that's just what you get for loving a broken girl.

Boston

i learned the truth in Boston.

that january day

we wandered the streets

until my feet were numb.

stopping only when we reached the edge.

gusting off the salty water

the wind was freezing.

cold and sharp,

like ice in the vodka

we'd drank the night before.

the liquor made you mean.

nasty.

snide remarks aimed at me.

a part of you i'd never seen.

but by morning you were quiet.

snow swirled.

my jaw clenched

to stop the shivering.

i pleaded silently with bleary eyes

for you to look at me.

but you just stared at the ocean

as we stood at the edge of the harbor.

all alone.

the two of us,

braving the bitter weather.

i realized then

you had changed with the seasons.

growing icy like the wind.

freezing out the warmth

that had been our summer.

i heard the truth that cold day.

in your silence,

the ocean's crash

and the howl of the wind.

i hate Boston in the winter.

A Love Story

a zebra fell in love with a lion.
her flight was suspended
by his charge.

'are we that different?'
she flutters her dark eyelashes.
'i can be fierce.'
she stomps her hoof and swishes her tail.

the lion admires her stripes.
and laughs at her declaration.
'i could teach you to be brave.'
his confidence is brimming.

'the fear you incite,
might protect me.'
she considers.
'sometimes I tire of always running.'

'i'll keep you safe.'
he whispers.
'i'll always have your back.'

and so for a time,
they wander side by side.
and the zebra lies down with the lion.

she pulls out his gentleness,
a little at a time.
he pushes her to attack
and demand respect for her tenacity.

but this love can't last forever.
she is breaking under the pressure,
returning to her flight.
he can't bear the newfound pain
of watching her slip away.

'Go.'
he retreats toward his solitude.
she feels her instinct returning
as she watches him slink away.

'you said you'd always have my back.'
she calls,
watching the space grow between them.
her body is trembling,
'run, run, run' is all she can hear.

'i will.'
he thinks.
'but if i can't be a lion,
and you can't be a zebra,
what will we ever be together?'

'i always told you i was a zebra!'
she defends.
'and i only asked you to be a lion.
but i will always be a zebra,
how could i ever believe i'd be safe with you.'

anniversary.

the machine beeps rhythmically.
i can hear voices bouncing off the linoleum floor.
my head pounds and my vision blurs.
they wrap a bracelet around my wrist,
admitted: December 6th.

you push me against the door.
your lips pull at my heart,
your hands tear at my edges.
i'm too far gone to reach.
i'm in too deep to pull away.

my heart is racing.
i open my eyes to more needles.
she smooths back my hair and asks how i'm feeling.
i can't speak
and i turn away.

but i didn't turn away from him.
he pulls me down.
the room is spinning and i'm breathing fast.
i can see the pain in your face,
but i tell myself it's too late to stop this now.

my mind can forget.
I can pretend it never happened.
but my body reminds me,
of the pain in this anniversary.

Never Offer Your Heart to Someone Who Eats Hearts

Never offer your heart
to someone who eats hearts
who finds heartmeat
delicious
but not rare

who sucks the juices
drop by drop
and bloody-chinned
grins
like a God.

Never offer your heart
to a heart gravy lover.
Your stewed, overseasoned
heart consumed
he will sop up your grief
with bread
and send it shuttling
from side to side
in his mouth
like bubblegum.

If you find yourself
in love
with a person
who eats hearts
these things
you must do.

Freeze your heart
immediately.
Let him—next time
he examines your chest—
find your heart cold
flinty and unappetizing.

Refrain from kissing
lest he in revenge
dampen the spark
in your soul.

Now,
sail away to Africa
where holy women
await you
on the shore—
long having practiced the art
of replacing hearts
with God and Song.

-Alice Walker

Sleeping Easy

Loving you was easy.
Hiding from the truth was harder to do.
I only stopped believing,
When you showed up at my door with her in tow.

While I'm learning to live on my own,
She's holding you.
While I'm dreaming alone,
She's holding you.

But I wouldn't switch places with her anymore.

Because I still know you,
Always with one foot out the door.
I know what she's afraid to say.
And I know she can't be sleeping easy.

It's only a matter of time,
Before the truth becomes clear for her too.
She will know you don't stay.
And she won't be sleeping easy.

So while she's holding you,
For now.
I'm the one that got away.
And in this freedom I sure am sleeping easy.

The truth is, I never thought you'd let me go.

I Was Gonna Marry You

Tristan Prettyman

Cedar + Gold

afterward.

afterward you're warm and soft.
flexible in the places you hold strength.
you're slow to move and slow to speak.

afterward i'm hollow,
like everything in me has drained out.
my body aches with tension.

afterward i climb into your arms,
against the wall of your chest,
hoping i can break all the way through and disappear.

maybe i can fill up my hollow places if i pull you close enough.
can all the good in you push out all the bad in me?
and afterward i'll feel warm and soft too.

Comfort

Holly has been my greatest teacher. The lessons I learn and the moments we share are precious. And I rarely go a day without thinking of her.

When I have been away for a long time, I sometimes forget the comfort I feel in the presence of my zebra. The simplicity of being together is a welcome refuge.

Holly's loyal grandfather passed away recently. A wise white gelding who was absolute comfort. He served as Holly's guide and her protector. Without him, she has in many ways lost her comfort. When she needed to rest, she knew that Thunderheart would watch over her as she lay down to sleep. Without him, she feels she must be alert all the time. My grandfather told me that she has barely been sleeping and finally she gets so tired she just collapses.

I cannot ever really 'turn off'. Everywhere I go and in every situation, the energy, that most people can't feel, makes it difficult for me to settle. My constant awareness would serve me better as a zebra than it does as a human. But when I'm with Holly, I can share some of the responsibility of being alert. We can support each other. Sharing space means we have less to watch out for on our own. And when we need a little support we can look for each other. Often, in large groups Holly will seek me out and move close to watch things unfold. It doesn't even take words or touch to make the connection, I can just be near.

Why is that comfort so hard to find anywhere else? What does it say about me that am most at peace in the presence of a wild animal? Holly is different, and our relationship is special. But she's far away and I can't simply walk out into her pasture and kneel down in the grass and tell Holly I'm tired and I need to rest.

But how I wish I could.

I seek that comfort in so many other places and people. And it's never quite the same. And sometimes, it's not safe. There are always lions looking for a tired zebra on her own.

But how lucky am I that I know just where to find my cure. I need to remember I can lean on memories of moments of comfort shared with Holly. And I know that I am never completely alone - I know a zebra who sometimes asks the same question.

The Final Nail

The final nail,
You snarled.
Iron though wood,
You say I've sealed my fate.

This box may have been built for me,
And I know you meant to lay me down,
Never to escape.
But you have laid here with me for too long.

Warm and cold we've lost ourselves.
Your stone has melted around me.
The old words are blurring and disappearing,
Even you cannot recall what old truths they proclaimed.

You may hate me for bringing you out of the dark and cold.
And feel betrayed that I leapt from the box as it tipped over the edge.
Now that empty box lies splintered in the dust.
Only that last nail holding fast.

And I never want to be held,
By the truths in that final nail.