January 11, 2013

Trust

I have been pondering the idea of trust.  What it looks like and what it feels like.

It's funny, the opposite of trust is mistrust.  But is it really?  When I think of mistrust, I don't feel it anywhere in my body.  For me, it feels more like fear (always back to that).  When I don't trust something I am afraid of it.  I do not trust that log across the river, and I'm afraid to fall in.

I trust horses.  Isn't that silly?  We are separated by a language barrier and limited ways (?) to communicate.  But I trust them on my own, I trust them with the kids, and I trust them about themselves.

But why?

Honesty.  They are always honest.  They have no capacity for lying and deceit.  So, if I'm paying attention and listening the best that I can to them I have no reason for doubt.

But trust is not lazy.  I trust because I'm listening and paying attention, and I never forget that they are horses and they can be strong, fast, and unpredictable.  Trust is communicated.

Of course I think of Holly. She is wild at heart.  I should mistrust her because of her nature.  But I trust her too.  I trust that she will be honest and true.  I trust that she will be a wild zebra.  I hope that she trusts me as well.  Does she see the same honesty in me?  Does she know that I am always listening to her and looking out for her?  How do I communicate that trust to her?  And do I communicate trust to others? Do I even trust people?

I believe that I am trusting by nature.  But I do not trust blindly.  I trust the good in people, but I am on guard for that danger always.  However,  I know that I look for dishonesty and often I believe in it's existence without any proof.

Wait...If I seem to assume dishonesty exists then am I really trusting?

If I am feeling an absence of trust in a relationship, I should be paying attention to the lack of honesty.  Maybe in them.  Maybe in me.

And so, this contemplation ends at this:  Honesty is trust.  The absence of trust, for me, is fear.  Trust is not accomplished, it is communicated.







January 10, 2013

Woven (2006)


Woven together,
Hurt and Joy,
Tears and Laughter.
I'm not always Honest,
but I'm not always Pretending.
I'm not always Happy,
but I'm not always Sad.
I walk that line between living 
and dying.

If you wait a little longer,
you'll uncover the scars. 
I covered them the best I could,
and locked away the truth.
I wasn't always Invisible, 
In trying to make it through,
I got lost.

If you delve a little deeper,
You'll discover someone,
You didn't expect.
You'll see everything woven together,
with more Honesty,
and lots more Love.

But just stand back there,
and pretend you never saw.
"It's hard enough already."
Just treat me like a girl,
You passed on the street.
You don't have to love me;
but why not let yourself care?

I Laugh and Joke,
I Dance and Sing,
I Love and Care.
I Plan and Work,
I Talk and I Dream.
I'm not Poison,
and I'm not a Curse.
I'm just a girl,
With a little strand of everything 
Woven together.

January 8, 2013

After.

She stumbled out and waited. She waited for her skin to stop holding her together and for her bones to crumble. She waited to shatter into a million tiny pieces and fall to the asphalt beneath her feet. She choked and wheezed on the cold air. But she did not crumble. She did not shatter. No part of her even seemed broken. And so begins the after.