August 23, 2013

Z's New Girl


My Girl

i could feel the center of her crumbling;
that place that held warmth
and her laughter.
she no longer moved with a girlish and carefree spirit,
she clenched her teeth against the tears
and she began slipping away from me.
i could not find my girl
in the angst enveloping us now.

i have carried her so far.
through seasons,
over so much ground,
i knew how to follow where she leads
but i did not know how to carry her back to before.
so i did my best to follow.
maybe if i could hold some of the new pain,
she would stay close to me.

now the blood in me moves too quickly
and pounds in my ears.
i can hardly stand the wait for her,
but the in-between is stretching longer.
there are so many days she never comes at all
and the center of me is crumbling.
so i clench my jaw against the emptiness
and i slip away too.

A little context for this poem: it's about a horse.  A very special horse.  A horse that is the newest addition to my little family.  I am not the girl he is referring to, but I'll start at the beginning of the story...

Z was 3 when he was brought home as the first horse for a girl named M.  They learned everything together and were inseperable.  Z was M's whole world and she was the center of his universe.  And together they grew up.

Then, M's parents went through a horrible, public, humiliating, and vicious divorce.  As M's world began to crumble, she changed.  Suddenly she was angsty and angry and Z took the brunt of the change-he had lost his girl.  So Z began to change too.  He became difficult to be around and ride, and he spent his spare time cribbing.    

But things were going to get worse.  Z could not take any of the pain or hurt away for M and so she fell into other things.  She stopped coming to the barn.  Z spent his days being sullen, detached and focused on the rush of oxygen that made him feel 'high'.  He sat alone in the pasture because no one but M could catch him.  

Fast forward almost two years...

I fell in love with him the moment I saw him.  He's distinct, beautiful, and athletic. And M refused to let me near him.  In her still out of control world-he was still under her control and while she did not want him she would not give it up the little bit of power she still had.  But eventually, a transition to college led to a 'For Sale' sign over Z's head.

What options did Z have? Untouched and difficult he would not find a good buyer easily.  Most likely an auction to pay the debt and then a rough cowboy who liked his paint color and would fight him until he gave in.  

I could not bear the thought, so I stepped up. I payed far too much money to buy a horse who may or may not be catchable or ridable they said.  'He's a jerk, he'll never change'.  But now Z has me and I refuse to believe a word they say.


1 comment:

  1. this is a great tale. one of an open heart looking to love....

    ReplyDelete